I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
