omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
