I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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