i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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