when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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