Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
