Your dad touched me again.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
