chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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