When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
