I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
