i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
