He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
