He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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