I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
