he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
