last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
