I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
