My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
