So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
