i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
