did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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