Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
