Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
