i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
