If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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