I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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