I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
there was a trapeze. enough said
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
