tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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