Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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