mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Randomize
