so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
