This dress was meant to end up on your floor
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
