I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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