Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
