is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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