I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
