He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
