shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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