i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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