2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
even my farts smell like vagina
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
