You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
