I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
