i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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