i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
