I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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