you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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