I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
