the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
