I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
