dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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