Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You have to summon your inner elephant
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
