Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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