ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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