So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
