I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
