Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
