He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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