every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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