omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
