I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
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He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
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I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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