if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
