Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
