I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
